We feel guilty when we believe we have done something wrong, but we feel shame when we believe that we are wrong. In other words, guilt is about a specific act, whereas shame is about self-worth. When you feel bad about who you are, that is shame. Sometimes we feel shame because we’ve been taught to think of ourselves as wrong or broken. Abuse, for example, can lead victims to feel shame. Shame can also occur when past choices haunt us—when we feel regret not for what we did to someone else, but for what we did to ourselves.
Without self-forgiveness, your shame may lead you to do things for which you feel even more ashamed. Shame builds on shame. To unburden yourself, you must practice self-compassion, and to heal, you must recognize your humanity. No human being is perfect. We all make mistakes. Our mistakes only define us if we let them.
1. Accept your situation
To heal from shame and become the person you want to be—and build the life you want to live—you first have to accept who you are and where you are right now. You must practice what the founder of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Marsha Linehan, calls “radical acceptance”: Accepting life as it is, not how it “should” be.
2. Understand why you are here
Where are you, and how did you get here? Think back on the events that led you to your current situation and state of mind. Mindfully consider why you made the choices you did. What needs were you trying to meet? Remember, you were doing the best you could with the skills you had at the time.
3. Learn from your experiences
How have your experiences and past decisions made you the person you are today? Even the most significant adversity can make us stronger. What wisdom can you glean from your mistakes? You can’t change the past, but you can learn from it to make new, better choices in the future.